For the unaware, in which case you’re an idiot or you’ve been in a coma all of your natural-born life, Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman wrote a song a while ago for some Canadian woman called Celine Dion. It’s a good song, Celine’s version. There have only been two times I’ve enjoyed Celine Dion. One is the dance-and-rap version of My Heart Will Go On I performed in Tenerife on karaoke with a 7ft African rapper called Biba. The other is this song. Every other time, I can’t stand that squawking bint.

But yes, Meat Loaf gave Celine a good song, and it worked. It’s one of her most popular songs ever. It’s called It’s All Coming Back To Me. It sounds massive, and the video is ludicrous.

Buy yourself Meat Loaf’s Bat Out Of Hell III though, and it sounds puny. His version of the song is brilliant for a number of reasons. Firstly, he co-wrote the bloody thing, so he can perform it with all the emotion he intended it to be performed with. Secondly, Meat Loaf’s quite a large fellow. There’s a reason the most famous opera singers are fat. He fucking bellows it. Thirdly - in true Meat Loaf fashion - he duets with a pretty young female. This one is a lady called Marion Raven. She may not sound familiar outside of Norway, but she was in that band who sang the theme song for Pokemon: The Movie, and she’s ace. Fourthly, the video is even more ludicrous than Celine’s. Seriously, Meat Loaf videos > most vampire/gothic/tragedy/Ye Olde Love Story films ever.

The lyrics are pretty bloody good too. Here they are:

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
Al coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)

And if we…