Christian likes sports. Christian’s father Wolfgang had him sent to prison for holding up a gas station when Wolfgang actually did it. Christian now has no family except his brother, and dreams of being a sports star. Christian iz b X-Facta.

After leaving prison, Christian moves to Dusseldorf with his brother. Christian has a relationship with Nico and then Coco because Christian loves him some wimmins.

Christian has a flatmate. His name is Oliver.

Oliver has a face that utterly confuses me. He is also bisexual. He used to be in the show a while ago where he had a boyfriend called Tom.

Christian doesn’t like Olli at first, because he likes the mens. He doesn’t like Olli a whole lot more when Olli kisses his girlfriend. And then Christian’s as confused as Olli’s aforementioned face makes me when Olli falls in love with Christian.

Judith is training to be an architect, so at the moment she works on a construction site. She is all kinds of awesome.

The last of our gang is the wily, man-whore, sex god of all the land, Christian’s brother Gregor.

So after Christian and Olli’s first kiss, the former gets very, very homophobic, and the latter very, very sad. However, Christian’s having some very confusing thoughts in his pants, and starts watching Olli in the shower, though not in a Norman Bates way.

With no one else to turn to, Christian logs on to a gay chatroom, and discusses his concerns with another user who offers him advice. Olli also logs onto a chat site, where a boy helps him get through his unrequited love for Christian. The irony is, they’re talking to each other but don’t even know it! This is like that episode of Lizzie McGuire where Gordo wrote into Lizzie’s agony aunt column and declared his love for her without her knowing! 100% AMAZING!

Anyway, Christian finds out that it was Olli he was chatting to all along and goes through all sorts of drama, culminating in the pair of them having hot, steamy mansex.

Christian then has more angst. He sits on the bathroom floor and cries a lot before he realises that the only solution is to be a complete bastard! Problem solved!

Christian tells Olli that it was just an experiment. Shagging Olli made him realise he doesn’t like the mens. I suspect he lies, but it makes Olli very sad, but very determined indeed. This is pleasing to me, as when Olli is determined, his face is less confusing.

Christian puts on Olli’s aftershave, and the smell brings back the memories of their one night stand. This is shown with a hint of sepia and the film exposed, as it is a flashback. It is also very pretty. Christian is confused, but confirms he still loves the wimmins.

The show then begins to use beer bottles and bananas in very suggestive ways. This leads me to believe that Gregor actually writes the scripts.

Olli is determined to get Christian to come out, but Christian’s having none of it, as sporting stars are not allowed to be gay. Plus, the added angst makes him really X-Facta.

Olli doesn’t give up, and uses some kick-arse insults on Christian. The next day, GREGOR IS THERE! We love Gregor and his big, handsome face. Gregor has been training Christian for a sprint which determines whether or not Christian can be a student. I wish I got into university by running around in lycra. Olli offers Christian a good luck charm, but he rejects it, because Christian has to be an arsehole lest he detract from the glory that is Gregor.

On a side note: Christian is the only man in Germany who looks good in orange.

Gregor, ever the gent, invites Olli out for celebratory drinks, but Christian is rude to Olli again and Olli runs away to hatch a new plan.

Judith has a dinner party and there are meaningful glances across the table between the boys. Judith, however, has her sights set on Fabian. These two are adorable, if Olivia and her twat of a friend would leave them be.

Christian and Olli kiss at No Limits, the bar Gregor owns, while Timbaland feat. One Republic play on the radio because unlike Hollyoaks, Verbotene Liebe has a soundtrack that doesn’t consist entirely of Razorlight and The Zutons.

Gregor sees the kiss and immediately calls Christian sick, saying he’s glad Wolfgang isn’t around to see it. This is weird. Gregor is so goddamn amazing that he’d probably encourage them.

And that’s because it’s another one of Christian’s dreams. Your subconscious doesn’t lie, Christian. You’re a massive gheyist so why don’t you just take off your pants and get down with the groove?

Christian, under Gregor’s instruction, invites the annoying Miriam out to a club. Just because you used to be a call boy, Gregor, doesn’t mean you should force Christian to go on dates he doesn’t want to. Christian couldn’t pull it off as masterfully as you. (I made a wanking joke!)

Christian and Miriam go to the club, and Olli’s there too, grinding with someone I will refer to as Plot Device Boy. Christian gets really jealous and starts a fight with Plot Device Boy. Olli is secretly pleased.

The gang head back to No Limits and explain the events to Gregor. Christian claims he only attacked Plot Device Boy as he was bad news . Gregor accepts it. He’s a bit slow on the uptake, but he’s very handsome.

Christian angsts in his room again. He is wearing a rather nice green shirt and Sia is playing, This is now considered Christian and Olli’s “song” so this scene is obviously important. Olli is by the door, refusing to leave until Christian talks to him. Olli’s silhouette against the frosted glass is actually terrifying.

So after the inevitable sexxins, Christian and Olli emerge from the bedroom sans trousers, and Olli backs Christian up against a wall for discussion of pizza and more kissing.

But the door unlocks and in walk Judith and Gregor. Normally I’d hate these interruptions, but the combined amazingness of Judith and Gregor make it worthwhile. Especially brilliant is how clueless Gregor is about the whole thing, even though they’re in just their boxer shorts, are standing very close to each other and look completely shagged out. Judith, smart girl, has her suspicions.

Gregor invites Christian to a club where he aims to get a lot of pussy and according to his mime, do some ballroom dancing. The previous sentence alone makes me love Gregor even more. Christian declines, feigning tiredness. He panics to Olli about coming out to Gregor, as he is the only family Christian has left. Christian is TOTALLY winning X-Facta now.

Christian and Olli attempt to share a shower for no plot purpose other than it’s pretty, but are interrupted by Judith. I’m glad. Shower sex? Health and safety, boys!

After some hilarious double entendres from Christian and Judith, Judith the Mighty susses out their relationship and thinks they’d make a cute couple. She promises to keep her mouth shut, and Christian and Olli kiss in front of her. It’s very domestic.

While training, Christian jokes with Gregor about reviving his career as a male escort. Please let this happen! I want to see Gregor have sexy times for cash! It’d be like My Own Private Idaho, but less depressing and more German. Olli turns up at the gym and Gregor leaves them to finish practising and lock up.

With them being the only ones there, Christian and Olli have sex in the gym and then frolic in the showers. It doesn’t really need explaining much.

Gregor returns! Olli runs away in a towel, it’s all quite funny. It turns out Gregor’s car won’t start. That car must be a fair walk away because in the time Gregor’s been gone, the boys have exercised, had sex and showered.

Olli discusses Christian’s concerns with Judith, and Christian gets pissed off about it. For God’s sake Christian, stop angsting! You already is b X-Facta! Do you want to be Graham Norton’s Nancy too? (I made a gay joke about a talent search show! WIN!)

Christian pours coffee in the sugar bowl because he is retarded. But you don’t need brains to be a sports superstar!

Gregor tries to convince Christian to come on a double date with him. That’s not good form, Gregor! I should think you’d want all the sexy ladies in the house to yourself! Christian wears orange.

At the gym, Christian unexpectedly tells Gregor he’s gay. He even says the words “Gregor, I’m gay!” Gregor has the best reaction ever. He calls them all gay boxers and says it’s the solution! WHAT?!?

Gregor doesn’t believe Christian one bit, but says that “gay or bi – it improves your chances of getting a date”. I love that Gregor’s basically a talking erection.

Christian does some more stuff with weights. Meanwhile, Olli dances around the flat to Lily Allen. I think this sums them both up quite well. Christian emerges, and they do some kissings.

Suddenly, Judith’s hot. She has a date with Fabian, so she dispatches the boys to the cinema.

They return from the cinema, and get a bit horny, so they decide they want to have sex on the sofa. Eww, don’t they know Judith has to sit there in the morning?

Gregor, on the other hand, needs some pussy! He goes on a date with Miriam and shags her rotten. Miriam instantly falls in love. I’m not surprised. I bet Gregor’s excellent in bed with all that practice and his big, handsome face. Gregor flirts with another lady in front of Miriam and she is heartbroken. Miriam’s rubbish anyway. Turns out, Gregor’s serial dating is the result of his lasting love for his separated wife. Christian and Olli generally stand around and Olli wears an amazing shirt.